“Depression is melancholy minus its charms.”
― Susan Sontag
I am
trying. Or, rather… I am trying to try.
Maybe you knew. Maybe you didn't know but I occasionally suffer with depression. This can make me a lousy friend at times. Depression is a very selfish illness and I find that I can push people away. Guilt is a companion to my depression along with the fear of letting people down. I can feel like an inconvenience to the people in my life. This leads to isolating and finding it difficult to talk. At those times, I feel that I'm too much to deal with and that I'm bringing others down. I want to be there for you. I want to participate in my part of the friendship. Ironically, as I lose weight, the emotional weight is so immense at times that it is all I can do to get out of bed.
I am always conflicted between the anger with myself at engaging in what seems like self-pity against the feelings of loneliness and not being good enough. It’s a withdrawal from everything that is enriching and life-giving. Depression sucks the life out of life.
As my friend, it must feel as though you’ve lost me for a while. The person you’ve always known and loved is still here, but I’ve withdrawn into myself, away from the pain and hopelessness of it all, not away from you. It just feels like the safest place to be, but it doesn’t mean that I wouldn’t have you right here with me if I knew how to do that.
I know it must be hard not to take things personally. It’s even harder to not wonder if you did something to make me withdraw from you. You didn't. Odds are you had no clue I was depressed.
I know this all must come across very indulgent on my part. I can't help that. I guess I would qualify as some weird style of narcissist. When I'm depressed, I feel a complete and utter inability to be myself, and it makes it ten times harder when around loved ones; i.e., people who know the “real” me.
You might miss your friend. But she'll be back.
I am concentrating on looking for work. As far as the class went, the teacher took me aside and told me that the class was fast pace and ideally students should come in typing at at least 40WPM. (My 17WPM sadly insufficient) I though it would have been nice if that was listed in the prerequisites.
That felt like a kick in the gut. So, although I'm no longer in the class, I am practicing my typing at my own pace just because it's a good thing to type better anyway.
At the end of the day, activity helps. But it takes everything in me to get to a hopeful state of mind. My days are about eating well, walking and looking for work. My physical, hearing (and I guess typing) limitations make it challenging. But as I always say, I only need one job right? LOL!
Enough about me. Please write me a letter letting me know how you have been feeling. What is going on in your life. What are you excited about? The last time I saw you, you had such a sparkle in your eyes.
I love you very much.
Maria
I am bent, but not broken. I am scarred, but not disfigured. I am sad, but not hopeless. I am tired, but not powerless. I am angry, but not bitter. I am depressed, but not giving up.
_ Unknown
