PROXIMITY

The reality in life is that people are almost always too close or too far away. 

Proximity invites conflict. Distance invites loneliness.

Distance is yearning. With distance I can be selfish, I can own myself so completely there is no other reality than the one that exists in my head. It can be perfect and I can revel in the pain of the idealist, holding onto what comes next, of what could be. It also means that I guard myself against the world. It means experiencing highs and lows, strength and weakness, in sometimes feeling each moment so strongly I can lose common sense, my misery can be so sharp I forget to notice where it falls into joy, where I am the mood, where I'm passing through agony and bliss so rapidly I forget the movement exists at all. I also will make mistakes. Many of them, many many of them.

The point is to get close to people because ultimately the best moments and worst moments in my life involved other people. It becomes clear that I can’t do this without invading someone else’s space. I can’t do it flawlessly because they have built up their own routines for how life can be safe, how distance can feel as secure as a warm blanket. I’ll get in their way. They will get in mine. "Life is messy...so let's just jump in and make Mud pies."(Mudpie theory) I will attempt to please them. With time this runs out and I become simply awkwardly myself. Because there really is no other choice after awhile. And sometimes I won’t be fun. Sometimes I won’t be interesting. All I need to do is not pull away so far that I can’t come back.

Sometimes I don’t want to be held. Sometimes I need it like a child does. And being that close can hurt. I feel the wounds I’ve avoided by living shallow. By letting my life be dictated by trivial things, by defining my moments purely by following my interests and obsessions, imagining my humanity simply as a laugh track and Facebook status to be shared with the world.

Closeness means that everything seems to have meaning attached to it. Every second has weight. When I am in their orbit. Then the meaning falls away and is replaced like a gust of wind with some other mood. But I fail to realize that sometimes this weather has nothing to do with me.

When people are far away they can be perfect and so can I. This is why unrequited love hurts so badly as a child and why we mythologize reunions. So, we get wrapped up in small issues. We get stuck in our own head. We go into crisis and emerge from it with no memory.

Then there are those moments when I am just close enough to people, when they sneak further inside me than I thought they could have come as a result of constant company. I can feel the pressure of being seen, of noticing my own racing heartbeat, my own speeding thoughts, I can’t be numb to this, no matter how much I pretend, it hurts to be this close because every cell in my body is alive. I guess we have to risk people getting too close to have them get close enough. Or to put it yet another way, how close one is to life dictates how quickly it passes, how fully one remembers it, how much meaning people have for them. With distance time barely exists, memories are flimsy when not granted weight by pain and hope. Allowing someone close to me one means I can experience time and change...and ultimately growth. Just sayin'.

To My Republican Friends

For those of you that don't recognize your party since Trump took over, I want to let you know something. I respect you. I may not always agree with you but I respect you.
I'm not going to Trump bash in this post. In fact, there were some Republican values back then where you and I would probably agree;

Personal liberty
Personal resposability
A strong defense without ballooning the National debt
Strong relationship with our allies
Strong stand against our enemies

So as an olive branch I extend a link to "Words Matter" a new podcast by two ex-Republicans that I respect immensely Elise Jordan and Steve Schmidt. They dropped out of their beloved party when they couldn't recognize it anymore. On their podcast they talk about how to bring back the party of Reagan, McCain....the party of Abraham Lincoln.

As for me, I'll always be a dyed-in-the-wool Democrat. I'm quite proud of my party these days. But hey....I respect the struggle.

Me: The Unemployed Venting Machine

Venting (again)

I'm trying to find a job. I go the interview prepared, bring a notepad along to take notes, etc. but it seems like no matter what I do I get absolutely no where. I call and follow up. If they have voicemail I leave messages..but they never call back.

The last job I went in for to interview, I was thrilled to get that far. Then I (and evidently the potential employer) noticed that I was the only person in the place over thirty. :( "Young and slim" are what companies aim for, because they apparently think the public doesn't want anyone else to serve them. :-/
Its just as well, the job was to answer calls from people who's pet just died and would be arranging to pick up their dead animal AND while in that process, try to sell them a plot in a "animal cemetery". I'll pass.

Oh yeah...and I don't speak Spanish.

I worked at the snack bar for awhile selling hot dogs to bowlers. Good honest work. But my knees couldn't take it. One friend suggested trying to work in a bar and that I would probably get in pretty easy. But who wants a fat, old bartender? Plus again, my knees can't take prolonged standing.

I know looks shouldn't matter but let's be honest, they do!

So, how do you get an interview on the spot when you aren't fun to look at? Some friends have suggested applying for jobs that don't require face-to-face interaction with customers.

I reached out to a lady I've been working with at an employment agency who is around my age about this. Since we coincidentally when to high school together, she felt comfortable to be candid with me. She said, "Listen, I'm hanging on to this job by my fingernails. From my vantage point I can tell you that now that even women that have multiple degrees and are well-qualified, companies are simply hiring whom they LIKE (rather than who's truly most qualified), and that's often the young and good-looking. If we're older or significantly aesthetically less appealing, I suppose we're supposed to do the polite thing and go off into the wilderness to die so we don't inconvenience the rest. I don't see a solution to this."

Pretty sad. I'm just looking for a little back office job using my clerical skills. Or maybe a job using my graphic arts skills. Who knows. Now that I am driving a tiny bit and have brand new ears, things are A LOT better.

I hear Amazon might be hiring. Wish me luck. *sigh

The Dance Of Resistance

“Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that.”

– Martin Luther King, Jr.

Resistance can be a tough cookie. She’s not always pleasurable. She’s usually the advocate for a lofty or seemingly unattainable ideal. 

Oftentimes working with resistance for me means complete acceptance of starting just exactly where I am starting. That means, no matter how much further along in the process I want to be, or how frustrated I may feel with not knowing or understanding the ride I’m on, that I embrace with complete love where I am in the process. AND more than that, I must completely surrender to where I am in the process.

There is a little girl that lives inside my head. She holds the very important job of managing me. She manages my mind, my thoughts, my emotions, my experiences, my memories, in essence, she manages everything that happens with my mind because that’s her job. She spends her days driving around in my mind on a fork-lift filing away memories, thoughts, emotions, storing different experiences, all with the intention of helping me keep them all straight.

It can feel heavy. It can feel overwhelming. It can feel expansive. It can feel daunting. It’s a dance. A dance between all the emotions that come through. A dance with yourself, your better self.

The idea is to not get defeated with resistance but rather learn to work with it. Whether that be pushing through it, past it, or sitting in it momentarily, it could mean breathing into it, claiming the resistance and doing the work anyway. For me, the best way to look at resistance is to learn to see it for what it is, be willing to work with it, and let it stimulate all that you’re meant to strive for.....for what rings right and true; to be authentic.